(definition further explained in this post if you still aren't satisfied)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Getting Out Of The Corner

It's had a huge effect on me.  It makes a bigger difference than you can even imagine most of the time, to everyone you know.  How much do you pay attention to people?

My personality has been shaped in a way that I'm coming to hate because of the bad situation I've been in for so long.  I've settled for people who don't really look at me.  Some barely look beyond themselves most of the time.  I didn't know that there were any better options for me, and had accepted the false reality that "I'm an uninteresting person.  Of course no one cares much about what I have to say.  It's natural that I'm going to be talked over a lot.  No surprise that people will interrupt me and not even notice."  I started to give up.  I didn't even notice until I started spending time with other people...When someone asked me what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go, I never had an answer.  I couldn't make decisions even that basic.  When a newer friend stopped talking about himself and asked me to share something about me, I was incapable.  I had been paralyzed by this, this crushed self-esteem, this shattered self-confidence.  Or are those even the right words?  I don't think I ever developed those things very well in the first place.  But they were still being suffocated.

I actually learned to use invisibility to my advantage.  If the conversation ever wandered to something about me that I didn't want to discuss, I could deflect the topic with next to no effort.  If there was something about me that I wanted to keep private, I didn't have to worry about anyone around me noticing, and it took minimal effort to hide.  (I've seen others use similar tactics.  I know people who let others underestimate them so they can watch from the corners.)  It shouldn't be so easy to be underestimated.

Notice that I've been using the past tense?  I'm working to overcome these things now.  I've had a couple of people come along who helped me begin to see this problem.  One of them is making a point to value me in the way he feels I deserve, paying attention to the things I say and do all the time, as I do for him.  I can't tell you how big of a difference it makes.  Can't even begin to.  The worth he tries to show me that I have...it has equally strong effects to the negligence that's shaped me so far.  In fact, the effects may be even stronger because they're beginning to counteract my harmful misconceptions.

Now you've heard my story as an example.  It's interesting to think about the roles people choose for themselves.  Some stay in the middle of the action, trying to have everyone's attention all the time and pouting if they don't get it.  Some wander in the fringes of it all, looking in from the outside and contributing little to conversation, watching and listening.  Lots of people actually shift between these roles, usually depending on the group they're with.  Or wait...do most people choose one of these roles, or are most people actually equals and I only see this because the people I'm used to effect everyone around them in this way?

The person who wants the most attention gives the least.  How is that supposed to work?  Everyone is supposed to defer to them...for no reason whatsoever.  When I noticed that discrepancy, I left.  I'm done with that.  That person is okay to be around sometimes, but I can't let them have so much control over me, over my very personality!

I can't help but wonder...if other people start to notice this, will they also, eventually, leave...?

No one deserves to be ignored.  Dynamic, astounding people are often overlooked.  For whatever reason, some of the most amazing treasures can be found in the corner.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

This Blogger's Life Update

I have a break in the day right now, so with this tidbit of extra time I thought I needed to catch you guys up a little!

School:  I started classes back this past Monday.  It felt completely weird to get back into on the first day, but now it already feels natural again!  I'm going to love this semester, being busy and taking classes that I like.  I expect to love pretty much everything but Social Statistics (maaaath...), but after listening to the lecture today I don't think I'll have any problems.  I already know most of it from taking AP Statistics in high school.  (Couldn't believe mom convinced me to do that at the time but now...thanks, mom!)

Work:  I'm approximately fifty levels higher at Pizza Hut by now! [/gamer reference]  I know where more things are, and I've actually gotten kind of good at finding houses, which I didn't know was possible when people actually refuse to post their house numbers anywhere.  Ahem.  But the money is most appreciated and the job isn't too bad.  I'm really glad to have it.  Plus, I managed to work it around my school schedule (and by that I mean a manager and coworker put together something perfect for me).  Don't worry, I do know how lucky I am.

Relationships:  I have a freaking amazing one right now that I couldn't possibly go into and actually keep this post shorter than a textbook.  I'll have to get back to you on that, and it will be coming up all the time.  Not in an obnoxious, mushy way, but in a this-man-is-an-irrefutable-part-of-my-life kind of way.  And he has all sorts of amazing things to say, so you'll be learning about him pretty quick.

Friendships:  I've got a few changes going here these days.  Got a couple of new ones, a couple of old ones about to get closer, and a couple of old ones about to change.  It's going to be interesting, and a lot better for me. :)

Family: Changes here too!  Not sure how extreme they're going to be, but good things should be happening.  One way or the other, they will allow me to do the things I have to do in a better way than I have now.  And hopefully I will start spending more actual quality time with my family and less of just seeing them sometimes since we're all so busy.  Ironically, me having a busier schedule will probably make the time we spend together much better.

Do you see now why I'm so busy?  Don't worry, I'll be getting back to you.  Hopefully fairly soon!  I have regular internet access now and a little extra time on my hands so we'll see what happens.

What have these categories been like for you lately?  If you feel inspired to comment, let me know how your life is going.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Stopping By

I am still alive and kicking!  Sorry for the lack of posts.  I might be constructed purely of fail as a blogger now, but I'll try to catch you guys up soon!