..........:cricket:.....:cricket:.........:cleverly disguised cricket:........
Awesome! Now let's begin.
I'm a freaking attention whore.
I've come to this realization over two days of journaling and contemplation, and I'm not happy about it. In fact, thinking about it puts a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I've had lots of time for thinking the past few days. I've thought about some of my closest relationships and the differences between them (just for fun. And yes, before you say it, I know I'm delightfully strange). While I was thinking about the way I feel and care for some of these wonderful people, it suddenly occurred to me.
Some of what I feel is based on the attention they give me.
I hate that. Absolutely hate it. I genuinely love my friends, and at the core of it, the way I care about them is too strong for any small matter to damage. Usually, I don't think the statement in italics above affects that. But sometimes it does. And I never want it to.
Sometimes, when I'm in a group of people, I'm focused on a specific person that especially captures my attention because of my interest in being close to them. Sometimes, I want them to shoot me the occasional glance or something, just to prove that they're noticing me too.
I feel distant toward people who talk about themselves and don't ever ask about me, and I really like spending time with people who give me attention.
I want to argue that I honestly like fading into the background sometimes too, when a thoughtful mood strikes me. But that's probably my body's natural defense against attention whore-ism kicking in.
I had a short conversation with a friend today (about an almost entirely different subject), and this person innocently said something about the amount of attention I require. They didn't even know about these thoughts, because you're the first to hear about them! This means that someone besides me is seeing this. Which confirms my worst suspicions about myself.
I have a quote that applies well to this situation:
"If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it."
Well, I've found an evil of myself. And I plan to correct it...the moment I can figure out how.
Wish me luck.