(definition further explained in this post if you still aren't satisfied)

Friday, June 11, 2010

I'm Not As Emo As I Sound. It's Called Realism!

Okay, has everyone read the disclaimer?  Are you ready for the rest of the post?  (For anyone wondering, the title is the disclaimer!)

..........:cricket:.....:cricket:.........:cleverly disguised cricket:........

Awesome!  Now let's begin.

I'm a freaking attention whore.

I've come to this realization over two days of journaling and contemplation, and I'm not happy about it.  In fact, thinking about it puts a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I've had lots of time for thinking the past few days.  I've thought about some of my closest relationships and the differences between them (just for fun.  And yes, before you say it, I know I'm delightfully strange).  While I was thinking about the way I feel and care for some of these wonderful people, it suddenly occurred to me.

Some of what I feel is based on the attention they give me.


I hate that.  Absolutely hate it.  I genuinely love my friends, and at the core of it, the way I care about them is too strong for any small matter to damage.  Usually, I don't think the statement in italics above affects that.  But sometimes it does.  And I never want it to.

Sometimes, when I'm in a group of people, I'm focused on a specific person that especially captures my attention because of my interest in being close to them.  Sometimes, I want them to shoot me the occasional glance or something, just to prove that they're noticing me too.

I feel distant toward people who talk about themselves and don't ever ask about me, and I really like spending time with people who give me attention.

I want to argue that I honestly like fading into the background sometimes too, when a thoughtful mood strikes me.  But that's probably my body's natural defense against attention whore-ism kicking in.

I had a short conversation with a friend today (about an almost entirely different subject), and this person innocently said something about the amount of attention I require.  They didn't even know about these thoughts, because you're the first to hear about them!  This means that someone besides me is seeing this.  Which confirms my worst suspicions about myself.

I have a quote that applies well to this situation:


"If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it."  


Well, I've found an evil of myself.  And I plan to correct it...the moment I can figure out how.

Wish me luck.


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

we've actually been wondering when you were going to figure this out. But we knew if we pointed it out it wouldn't mean anything to you. You had to figure it out on your own.

Kaely said...

eh, we're all attention whores at some time or other. maybe it's in our nature? idk...maybe it's something we all have to work on...hmm

Ethan said...

well. we all like it when people pay attention to us. It's in the Bible that it is easy to love someone who loves us. People are social creatures and are constantly seeking reaffirmation from others. What reaffirmation is higher then the positive and sustained attention of a peer? Everyone has an attention whore inside them, everyone people have the same thoughts and desires running through their minds. The question is what action you take from those thoughts.
also. trying to not be an attention whore is treating the symptoms not the cause. The cause is the need for acceptance and reaffirmation of others, when you care less about what some one thinks then their attention will be less important to you.
P.S. I have the feeling that I cameoed on this post...

Sunny Insomniac said...

Deidre!

Sweet, honest, introspective, yet funny blog. It seems to be your forte. :)

It's always painful finding out something less than desirable within ourselves, but that's part of becoming an adult. I'm glad that you're not copping out on it, though. That alone is a huge sign of maturity.

I am an attention whore as well. The best way I have found to battle it, is to recognize when that desire is coming, then immediately think of someone else, rather than myself. I'm pretty much as self-centered as they come. Getting married, and then having kids opened my eyes to that lovely trait.

ON THE OTHER HAND. Being self-centered and needing attention like that is what allows us to be so creative. Creativity comes from within us. That's another reason why we're some of the most depressed people on the planet. We have to spend WAY too much inside ourselves. That gets depressing.

But keep being creative! And keep doing what your doing with journaling. Whenever you look back six months, and see that you HAVEN'T grown or changed at all, that's when you need to worry.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long. What can I say? You bring out the philosopher in me. :)

~Sunny Insomniac

Dork Vader said...

I know how you feel! Two years ago (somehow, saying that makes me feel old :P) I had the EXACT same thing happen. Sure, the thing that snapped me out of it was a rather unpleasant experience, and one that I don't think you could recreate. My point is, it is DEFINITELY possible.
Wanting attention is minor compared to some stuff I have to see in school everyday, and I totally love you with your faults. Heck, I love you more cause you have faults (and love in that awesome friend way, in case any one was going to make a wise crack about that)

Haha, sorry if non of that made sense. My brain seems to be dead right now.