The first time this happened, it was triggered by a life event that meant me saying goodbye to a group of people forever (because they were going off to college, to bigger and better things). I couldn't identify this trigger until someone thought of it and pointed it out to me, and it wasn't until then that I could recover.
Today, I felt it creeping up again.
At first, I was just as lost as I had been before about the cause, but after thinking about it some more, I finally realized that it might have been from a conversation I had with someone about...well, "bigger" things than are usually covered in day-to-day conversations. Once I identified that, I started to feel a little bit better.
But I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep it at bay.
All I could think was:
When I get depressed, I become obsessed with mortality. I remember the first time, when I couldn't stop thinking "life is so short, and it's so devastating when people you love die. Life is so short." That fact scared the crap out of me, because of course, there's nothing I can do about it.
Despite the fact that it started to trigger again today, I know that obsessing over life like this is doing nothing but wasting the time I do have. And that I'm overreacting to something that's always there.
After a little while, I started to feel better.
I'm almost positive that my scare is over now. That I have nothing to worry about and that this has already passed over me.
It's just that emotions can be so powerful and overwhelming sometimes, and I want anyone who's ever felt this to know that they're not alone. I mean, I don't know if this thing that I go through is some sort of individualized...maybe lots of people get depressed, but this is the way that it has happened to me and other people don't get the same thoughts I do. Maybe I'm my own special brand of screwed up, so different that I don't even have to patent the recipe!
But maybe not.
It does take a certain degree of courage to post this. It's a part of myself that no one knows about except a couple of close friends, who don't even know the whole story (and my immediate family, who saw me go through it).
But I'm not here just to give you cotton candy and smiley faces.
I want to show you real things, which are often pretty but sometimes not so much.
Thanks for sticking through this and reading, even though today's post was pretty dark. Don't worry, the darkness won't be allowed here again for a good, long time.
pictures found using Google Images