(definition further explained in this post if you still aren't satisfied)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Dipping Into Darkness

I've had this before.  It was only once, but that one time lasted a while.  Ever since then, I've wanted to avoid ever feeling it again no matter what.

I don't know what "depression" means to you, but this is mine: I don't get thoughts of suicide.  I don't sleep all day.  Instead, I get the same thoughts over and over and I get stuck in them.  I cry in classes, in my room alone, at the dinner table with my whole family there but being unable to tell them what's wrong.  Things that should make me happy seem fleeting and meaningless.

The first time this happened, it was triggered by a life event that meant me saying goodbye to a group of people forever (because they were going off to college, to bigger and better things).  I couldn't identify this trigger until someone thought of it and pointed it out to me, and it wasn't until then that I could recover.

Today, I felt it creeping up again. 

At first, I was just as lost as I had been before about the cause, but after thinking about it some more, I finally realized that it might have been from a conversation I had with someone about...well, "bigger" things than are usually covered in day-to-day conversations.  Once I identified that, I started to feel a little bit better.

But I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep it at bay.

All I could think was:

When I get depressed, I become obsessed with mortality.  I remember the first time, when I couldn't stop thinking "life is so short, and it's so devastating when people you love die.  Life is so short."  That fact scared the crap out of me, because of course, there's nothing I can do about it.

Despite the fact that it started to trigger again today, I know that obsessing over life like this is doing nothing but wasting the time I do have.  And that I'm overreacting to something that's always there.

After a little while, I started to feel better.

I'm almost positive that my scare is over now.  That I have nothing to worry about and that this has already passed over me.

It's just that emotions can be so powerful and overwhelming sometimes, and I want anyone who's ever felt this to know that they're not alone.  I mean, I don't know if this thing that I go through is some sort of individualized...maybe lots of people get depressed, but this is the way that it has happened to me and other people don't get the same thoughts I do.  Maybe I'm my own special brand of screwed up, so different that I don't even have to patent the recipe!

But maybe not.

It does take a certain degree of courage to post this. It's a part of myself that no one knows about except a couple of close friends, who don't even know the whole story (and my immediate family, who saw me go through it). 

But I'm not here just to give you cotton candy and smiley faces.

I want to show you real things, which are often pretty but sometimes not so much.

Thanks for sticking through this and reading, even though today's post was pretty dark.  Don't worry, the darkness won't be allowed here again for a good, long time.

pictures found using Google Images 


Kaely said...

it's different for all of us. no one's depression is exactly the same. there might be some similar aspects, but in the end everyone who struggles with depression struggles differently.

Mine is generally fueled by the feeling of loneliness. It's usually triggered by something that...well, makes me feel like i'm alone. -- whether big, like losing someone, or the possibility of losing someone -- or small, like no one asking me how my day was, or having to eat lunch alone.

I become very withdrawn. I get this overwhelming feeling that the world has left me completely alone and i don't understand why. I also get very scared. It becomes very difficult to function on a day to day basis. I tend to start doing bad in school, sometimes skipping classes for days at a time. Just sleeping all the time. I cry at night, when no one will see. But during the day I smile and pretend like life is perfect. I can never let it show how extremely not okay I am.

My biggest fear is ending up alone.

I think it's because some of my darkest times in life were spent utterly alone. With no one to turn to, or talk to about what was happening.

I haven't gotten that bad in a while. But I still fight the urge to slip back into that, almost on a daily basis. Most days I succeed, and I have a wonderful, loving, and understanding room mate to thank for that. We've both been through so much together. But some days, unfortunately, I give in. It's something I'm trying my best to get away from. But I'm afraid it will be something that I probably always struggle with at least occasionally.

Idk...maybe one day I'll find someone that will never leave me. And I'll never feel completely alone every again...but I just don't see that happening.

Annah said...

You know what I liked about this post as opposed to other posts related to depression? There was a redemption factor. Something that said "I WILL get over this and move forward".

Good for you. Seriously. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

without dark colors mixed in a painting would not be as beautiful. Ho, and my depression feels like a combination of my future slipping away, a reminder of past failures (and the knowledge of others soon to come).